Co-Parenting Boundaries: What I’ve Learned the Hard Way

I used to think that boundaries were just about saying “no” when something didn’t feel right.

I had no idea how much more complicated—and necessary—they would become once I was co-parenting with my ex.

Looking back, there are a few things I wish I had known from the start.

1. Boundaries Are for You, Not for Controlling Them

I wasted so much time expecting my ex to “respect my boundaries” when, in reality, boundaries aren’t about making someone else behave differently.

They’re about defining what I will and won’t accept—and following through on that.

For example, when my ex would text me late at night about non-urgent things, I used to respond out of obligation.

Now? I silence my notifications and respond in the morning if it’s important.

My boundary isn’t about forcing him to change; it’s about protecting my own peace.

2. Clarity Is Everything

In the beginning, I made the mistake of assuming that certain things were “obvious.”

I thought he would automatically understand what was reasonable and respectful. Spoiler alert: He didn’t.

Now, I lay everything out clearly—when we communicate, what topics are off-limits, and what decisions require mutual agreement.

But that doesn’t mean he follows them.

He still ignores my boundaries, and sometimes I struggle not to argue or get upset.

I try to remind myself that his reaction is out of my control, and while I don’t always succeed, I’m working on reinforcing my limits with action rather than letting frustration take over.

3. Expect Pushback (and Don’t Take It Personally)

The first time I enforced a real boundary, my ex reacted like I was doing something to him.

He pushed back, got defensive, and acted as if I was being unfair. I took it personally at first, and honestly, sometimes I still do.

I’ve learned that resistance is normal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still get under my skin.

When someone has been used to having unlimited access to you, any limit will feel like a personal attack to them—especially when they struggle with what seems like an undiagnosed personality disorder.

It adds an extra layer of difficulty because logic and reason don’t always apply the way they would in a typical situation.

I try to remind myself not to get sucked into explaining or justifying my boundaries, but that’s easier said than done.

Sometimes I do argue, sometimes I do get upset—but I’m working on it.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t have to like my boundaries, but I still have to uphold them for my own well-being.

4. Boundaries Without Consequences Are Just Suggestions

I learned this the hard way. If I told my ex I wouldn’t engage in name-calling but then still answered his messages when he crossed the line, I was sending the message that my boundary didn’t really matter.

But it’s not always that simple.

He still ignores my boundaries, and sometimes I slip—I argue, I explain, I get frustrated. I want to hold the line perfectly, but I’m not there yet.

What I try to do now is recognize when I’m getting pulled into an argument, take a step back, and remind myself that I don’t owe him my energy.

If he disrespects a boundary, I do my best to end the conversation or remove myself from the situation.

No warnings, no long explanations—just action. And when I manage to do that, it makes a difference.

5. It’s Okay to Adjust as You Go

I used to think that setting a boundary was like signing a contract—it had to be rigid and final.

But life is messy, and things change. Some boundaries needed to be strengthened over time, while others became less relevant as our co-parenting dynamic evolved.

I check in with myself regularly: What’s working? What’s not?

If something needs to shift, I adjust. I

also try not to miss my weekly therapy sessions. Those are invaluable.

What I’ve Learned

If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself that setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s survival.

I’d remind myself that I don’t need my ex’s approval to enforce them.

And I’d reassure myself that, no, I’m not overreacting or being unreasonable; I’m just protecting my mental and emotional health.

Boundaries aren’t about changing my ex.

They’re about making sure I don’t get lost in the chaos.

But they’re also about protecting our child—creating a stable environment where he doesn’t have to witness constant conflict or feel caught in the middle.

And that’s something worth fighting for.